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Post by beth1791 on Mar 16, 2012 8:34:44 GMT -5
So here goes...
I have come to this site to simply express what I'm feeling. Its a long one and I'm sorry if in places its not too literate. For me the passing of MJ has been and still is the hardest grief I am yet to have.
When someone we love dies, everyone around us moves heaven and earth to comfort and help us. We can cry our eyes out and it is acceptable, expected. We can have a range of emotions from denial, anger, grief, guilt. It is known as part of the proses to healing. The people around us can understand our emotions, often having dealt with a loss themselves.
With Michael...When he died even though I love him with all my heart, I got text messages of cruel jokes from people who couldn't understand how I feel ,I heard constant media (TV radio newspapers Internet) all trying to find a better "story" with about as much compassion as a pine cone. When I found out MJ had gone, It was through a rough work colleague who announced in a blunt voice " DID U HEAR WACKO JACKOS DEAD!?
When I left work early that day in a daze, Instead of being honest about why I was upset and receiving support and comfort, I made up an illness so I could go home.
Basically I wasn't allowed to grieve over my hero because no one could understand it. "It isn't normal to be so upset over someone You don't know"
So I didn't. After a long cry in the shower that first day I dint talk about it, think about it, listen to it, listen to him. I ignored any media, any music of his that was played everywhere i seemed to go. I shut it all out.
That worked for about 2 years. Then for some reason it broke. Since then I have been struggling with many different emotions. Only Its so hard to try to explain to others how much it has effected me. Each time I try, I can tell my friends I try to talk to think I'm kinda crazy for feeling this way.
I'm not saying I don't see their point. I KNOW the way I feel isn't appropriate to feel over someone I never even met.
I KNOW i sound insane when I talk about him and cry hysterically. IKNOW this shouldn't be effecting me as much as it has been.
But It is and I cant do anything about it.
So instead I'm trying to focus my emotions. to let myself grieve. I just know now I will never get the same amount of support from people that I would if the person I was grieving over happened to know me too.
So in summery I am posting this anonymously on line to hopefully let me express how I'm still feeling. Any advise or help would be very much appreciated.
xx
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nina
Shy Member
Posts: 19
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Post by nina on Mar 18, 2012 16:06:18 GMT -5
Dear Beth, The way you are feeling is the same as many hundreds, thousands, maybe millions across the world, the heartbreak, heartache and shock at MJ's sudden unexpected death; hit by the Lightening Bolt. You Are Not Alone. The appalling injustice and vilifying treatment of him in the media is why; an amazing man who is now emerging as a very powerful influential historical figure, because of:- the messages in his songs, lyrics which have had a deep impact on the social consciousness of the world; his emotional passionate singing delivery, his dancing, his musical genius has won our love and our hearts; his humanitarian contributions and visiting sick children in hospitals, saving lives; he aimed to change the world, and he has. June 30th, 2009 found me reeling after seeing his videos on a TV music channel. I had seen him announce his 02 concerts and then the terrible news. I hadn't even been a fan, but something compelled me to research him, listen to his songs, watch his videos, and I was hooked. He had been there in the world for 45 years, a large chunk of my life, and I felt a inexplicable painful loss. Like a soul possessed I bought posters, CDs, DVDs, magazines, books; I wrote poetry; I started donating money to charities each month; leaving cards with his messages in all around where ever I go; talking to friends and family to defend his name; going on line to find out the latest news from websites like A Cosmic Connection, Allforloveblog.com Healtheworldforchildren, Inner Michael, Michaeljacksonslegacy.org MajorLovePrayer, MJJ-777.com and The Silenced Truth. Those are the best. It all helps ease the hurt. 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough! I am sending a rose via Paypal for June 25th. Through his fans continuing his work, he lives on. Facebook's 'Call For Love' seeing members' messages, poems and videos is some comfort. Well, there you go, Beth. I hope all this makes you feel better. Just to finish, there are twelve memorials, statues and murals of him across the globe; one is in London where a huge beautiful mural of his face covers the whole end of a three-storey terraced house! Now that is fame. He will always be remembered, immortal, and his music will live for ever.
Nina, UK.
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Post by GiveInToMe on Apr 1, 2012 18:50:21 GMT -5
Beth, what can I say but....Welcome to the club! Like Nina here, I'm one of those who was awaken with his passing. I remember I used to love Off the Wall, my brother had the LP, and I loved some of Thriller and Bad songs although I never bought the music. I have always admired and aknowledged the genius in him...specially his dance. But in the early 90's the media started to spread all the BS that we all know about and I never even bother to check if it was true or not.
Thing is....I don't care about reading gossips but unfortunately, they get to you anyhow and because I never heard something different, I had my doubts....but like I said, I couldn't bother to check. Then I moved to another country and I totally "lost" track of him and his career. Maybe because I was living a different life, I wasn't watching MTV anymore (which was were I used to listen to him). I kind of disconnected myself from the mass media and you don't get to listen too much of him where I live.
I didn't even remember the 93 allegations when they happened or maybe didn't paid attention to it. I was wondering why he changed so much from the young men I used to like so much in the 80's.
Anyway, after June 25th 2009 I started to really know him, who he was. I remember I had a dream about him a few days after he letf. I cannot remember the dream but what I remember is how I felt. It was impregnated with LOVE for him and I didn't wanted to wake up from that dream, LITERALLY. I was very disappointed to wake up and even worse, not been able to remember it....since then my love for him only can increase by the day.
There is absolutely no ONE single day, I haven't think of him since June 25th. He is absolutely part of me and my life....I have grown spiritually since then and little by little, has made me a better person and wanting to make this a better World.
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Post by jacque on Apr 16, 2012 23:07:07 GMT -5
Oh, dear Beth!
OMG, You Are Not Alone!!
When I read your post and then Nina's and Give In's responses, it was like deja vu!! Rewind back to July 2009 and that was me, completely clueless as to why Michael's death so affected me, when I'd never been a fan and hadn't heard anything about him in years, other than maybe the verdict of "Innocent" after his 2005 trial. I hadn't even heard (or at least hadn't remembered anything) about the 1993 allegations. I had never bought any of Michael's music, either. So when I started feeling this horrible grieving process in July 2009, I was at a loss to explain it and also had no one I could even talk to about it. My husband just could not understand why I was mourning for someone I didn't know and thought I needed psychological help. And I couldn't bring it up to my friends as they wouldn't have understood either. I thought I was going crazy myself sometimes! So I turned to the Internet and discovered that there were so many others feeling just the way I did! We had all been "awakened" when MJ transitioned and were recognizing his message of love and compassion. I fell in love with a man I had never even met!!
I have developed a closeness with a number of people I have "met" through this Forum. Since that time, I have bought all of Michael's solo albums (as an adult) and a couple of Jackson 5 CD's, numerous magazines, and a few well-chosen books on MJ. I was able to finally purchase my very own copy of "Dancing the Dream" and also "Michael Jackson - American Master", to name a few. I also just started reading Jermaine's book "You Are Not Alone - Michael: Through a Brother's Eyes." I watched "This Is It" twice (by myself) when the movie first came out in the theaters. I would have gone more frequently, but twice was all I dared, as my husband would have been extremely vocal if I'd gone more often. I also was very fortunate to see Cirque du Soleil's show "Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour" with my husband when it came to Houston in February and it was absolutely AMAZING!!! ;D
All I can say, Beth, is that you are feeling the very same thing that all of us here have felt and are still feeling and we WELCOME you with open arms!! What you are feeling is "normal" to us, whatever normal is!
And here's another book that I am planning on purchasing:
"Defending a King - His Life and Legacy" by Dr. Karen Moriarty
"It's Time to Restore Michael Jackson's Legacy to Its Rightful Place! The Newly-Released Book, Defending a King~His Life & Legacy, Does Just That.
If you want an eye-opening portrayal of the real Michael Jackson—delivered in a rare blend of disclosure, respect, insight, and passion—this is it! - Thomas A. Mesereau, Jr.
December 16, 2011 – Ponte Vedra Beach, FL – Veteran author Dr. Karen Moriarty announced today the release of Defending a King~His Life & Legacy (by Infinity Publishing). Understanding that “bizarre behavior is normal in bizarre circumstances,” Dr. Moriarty leads readers carefully through the maze of stunningly bizarre events and circumstances of Michael Jackson's life. With previously unknown revelations, the King of Pop is disclosed as a complex and vulnerable man who lived—and struggled--at the pinnacle of human existence.
In the wake of the disturbing manslaughter trial of Dr. Conrad Murray, in which the defense and often the media sordidly tried to put Michael--the victim of the crime--on trial, Dr. Moriarty helps readers understand the unique struggles of this inspirational genius and worldwide humanitarian. [This is the first published book that covers the Conrad Murray trial, including the sentencing hearing on November 29, 2011.]
Dr. Moriarty's portrayal of the man includes explanations of why Michael was not a recluse, why he became nomadic after his 2005 criminal trial, why he veiled his children in public, and why he always kept millions of dollars in cash within arm's reach. The author affirms that Michael was heterosexual and that he struggled for decades with insomnia. Incorporating more than 200 sources, including accounts from a variety of people who knew Michael intimately, Dr. Moriarty reveals also where he went and what he did during those last four mysterious years of his life.
Defending a King~His Life & Legacy addresses the three biggest mistakes Michael made in his life: one that was only a temporary fix; one that more than anything else proved his child-like level of trust; and the one that caused his tragic demise. From the perspective and empathy of a psychologist, Dr. Moriarty not only proposes plausible explanations for some of the seemingly absurd elements of the mega-star's private life, but she also presents fully some of its truly unparalleled circumstances, which will strain the imaginations of even those fans who “knew” him best.
Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. He was also the King of Controversy. But mostly, as this book reveals, he was the King of Hearts. Not only in his humanitarian acts—he donated more than $300 million to charities—but in his private acts of kindness that few people know about, he was a man whose global legacy of goodness may ultimately outshine his reputation for greatness."
I hope you feel a comfort and peace since joining our Forum. That's what we are here for, to help lift each other up when one of us is feeling down and overwhelmed by everything that has happened to our beloved Michael.
Love and hugs, Jacque
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Post by divastyle on May 26, 2012 9:57:38 GMT -5
Beth, you are definately NOT ALONE at all! Not a day since June 25, 2009 has passed by that I haven't thought of our dear Michael, I can honestly say that I haven't been so upset by anyone's passing since I lost my dad in 2000. We are all here for you, always remember that!!
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Post by crusindeb on Jun 20, 2012 12:00:53 GMT -5
Oh dear...I haven't been to this forum or any forum since I can't even remember when. It never ceases to amaze me that others have experiences the same as I then and now three years later. When dear Michael was taken from this realm he reached out to many and filled our hearts with love and hope and faith, things that we lost along life's path. I too had a dream where Michael came to my home we shared a meal afterwards we sat on the couch he told me he was tired and I told him it's okay for him to rest then I went into another room to check on my dogs and when I went back to the living room the front door was closing Michael had left and I woke up crying. I must admit I didn't consider myself a fan even though I grew up with the Jackson5 and always admired Michael. You see my Mother is prejudice as are many other family members but because of Michael I never saw others as a race or a color. I see people as people so it was hard for me to openly express admiration for the Jacksons and Michael. On top of that my Mother is a huge Elvis fan she admires the King of Rock and I admire the King of Pop I am so grateful that Michael reached out to me for he awakened and renewed the spiritual nature within. With new eyes I understand the messages in his song lyrics and in his speeches. My heart is filled with so much love for all and for God. We are most definitely not alone and this is ever so comforting that not only are we still holding Michael's hand but we are holding eachother's as well. Thank you Michael you are forever in my heart thoughts and prayers. God Bless us one and all.
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Post by MaryAnn Layton on Jun 20, 2012 13:17:45 GMT -5
God Bless us all.
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nina
Shy Member
Posts: 19
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Post by nina on Jun 22, 2012 17:31:37 GMT -5
After reading all these messages, I have to tell you all about a dream I had a few months ago. I suddenly began feeling very empty and missing Michael's presence in the world. Then I had this dream. I remember that a black car drew up outside and it was him, tall with long black hair, and wearing a black suit! He came in and was sitting opposite me, leaning forward and talking earnestly to me. I don't know what he was saying but it felt comforting. He kept leaving and returning in this car. Eventually he did leave in this black car, looking at me out of the back window with a serious expression. I just raised my hand in farewell with a little sadness, mixed feelings, later wished I had blown him a kiss! Since that dream, which I remember vividly, I have felt him with me. All quite amazing; and the timing was uncanny.
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Post by MaryAnn Layton on Jul 4, 2012 17:26:06 GMT -5
That was a beautiful dream, Nina. Michael was definitely giving you a message... basically not to be so sad anymore. But we all know that's just impossible for us because we're only human.
As for how to explain the grief we have felt and still feel to our friends and family, there is no way they could ever understand! How could they understand, when we don't even understand it ourselves. But I've come to know why... because we were chosen by Michael. So consider yourself very special... he gave us an incredible gift because through our grief, we came to understand we had to continue on, spreading his message of love.
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Post by beth1791 on Aug 7, 2012 17:07:57 GMT -5
Just a big thank you to you all.
It's so comforting just to know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling. Thanks guys. Live for love.
X Beth.
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Post by poeticowl on Sept 13, 2012 1:53:52 GMT -5
Hello, all My Michael Sisters! I haven't been back to visit MJ's Army in quite some time, but decided to pay a visit after a particularly difficult weekend just really missing Apple and grieving in my heart all over again, as though reliving his transition from us in 2009...
Beth, I wanted to share with you that you are absolutely NOT ALONE.
While I was NEVER truly a fan of Michael's in throughout his lifetime--meaning I never saw him in concert and I never owned any of his music. But, I always had respect for him, admired the magic that he created with his humanitarian and socialization. I always believed that there was something very special about this man who could move the world with his love. I was exposed to him because my Grandmother had a great love for him and believe me, if he was on the tv or radio, we were hearing him in our house. (I was raised by my Grandparents).
When he transitioned I felt magnetized to him, drawn to him, and it was such a perplexing emotional tug, that I didn't know what was happening to me. I grieved so traumatically, you would have guessed I had lost MY DEAREST LOVED ONE, which confused me all the more.
The day that he left us, the news was shared with me by a co-worker who laughingly and with extreme amusement said to me: GUESS WHO DIED? (laughing) Michael Jackson...
Now, used to the negativity that is always connected to his name, I was more inclined to disbelieve this person, than to believe him, so I immediately shot back: Don't say things that aren't true, Karma is going to kick you in the behind, and it's not going to be pretty!
I was angry, incensed, and outraged because I always believed that MJ had a good heart and only love for humanity, especially the children and the fate of this living planet on which we live.
Even a novice can recognize God's work through one of his own, when faced with his unconditional love.
I checked the internet immediately, which reported he had been hospitalized. Thirty minutes later, that story changed...and with it, my state of being drastically changed. Whatever you want to call it, I zoned out. I couldn't concentrate, my mind was in a whirl, my world turned upside down. I felt, deep inside of my soul, as though I had lost someone intrinsically important to ME.
I couldn't function reasonably, because I was so distraught. I didn't have anyone I could reach out to, like there are now--all over the net and at this forum. I felt that I was grieving wretchedly all on my own. Nothing stopped the negativity that always abounded about Michael, in fact it seemed to intensify and take on a life of its own. It was as though every ugly thought out there was making itself known to me and that along with my grief was almost my undoing.
I walked around in a daze for months before I began to reach out to others at youtube, receiving comfort, understanding and support back--I was so relieved to simply find that I was NOT the only one.
(I'll Be There just came on my local radio station, thought I'd share that with you...)
There isn't a single day that Michael is not a part of my thinking, living, breathing momentum. He is always with me, ever since I first invited him to share my journey. Read my experience in IT'S ALL OR NOTHING...
I too used to escape into the shower to have my cry, no one could quite understand why I was grieving this hard over MICHAEL JACKSON, especially my family. Remarks that I can recall are too harsh even now to repeat, but I'd get the angriest stares, as though I was challenging WHO they thought I was, and they were comparing the sane me with the one they now had, and they didn't like her, didn't agree with her, and thought maybe, just maybe, I was losing touch with reality.
That couldn't be farthest from the truth. For the first time, in a long time, I was more myself than I had ever been. And the change in me was easy to define: Michael's influence was and is divine.
i am not perfect, I know this. But, I also know that it is easier to smile than to frown, that love makes the world go around, and that you have to have a care for yourself, others around you, and the world in which we live. He did that, he influenced me TO SEE, TO AWAKEN, TO UNDERSTAND AND NOTICE. "Never do something just because you can...make a difference." -MJ
I grieve Michael's transition each and every day. This past weekend, I don't know...it was just especially trying. I meditated, did a bubble of love, and reached out to him with all of my senses. Time does not make any of this easier because it still feels like that very first day--it felt like something very detrimental was wrong in the universe. It felt like the light had gone out and I could not find the light switch no matter how hard I tried, i was still stumbling around in the dark.
It isn't always like that but sometimes, sometimes I just miss him more than anything I can express. Other times, he comes to me, puts a smile on my face and a song in my heart and before I know it, I'm laughing out loud with him. It just doesn't last long enough. A few seconds later, I'm back to remembering, and feeling that same old heartache.
The pain will never leave me and time will not heal this wound. But, I know I will learn to live on in this world that misses him, with one foot on our side of the veil and one foot on the other, keeping my connection with him open, for as long as I'm able to receive him.
"People are always going to find something to talk about. Never believe it unless you hear it from me first." --MJ
Rest assured, Beth, we are all with you, and you are NOT ALONE.
Be blessed.
Remember, it's all about L.O.V.E.
love, Poeticowl
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Post by beth1791 on Sept 13, 2012 9:01:03 GMT -5
Your experience has been so much like mine. Thank you for sharing. I also wanted to share something that has helped me so much. Last year I purchased two tickets to a Michael Jackson impersonator concert. I'm not sure if u guys have heard about kenny wizz. Anyway leading up to the event I was a wreck. My grief was truly affecting the way I lived life. I was in a depressed state and felt that things would never get better. I was grieving losing him all on the inside. I couldn't express how I was feeling for a few reasons. Firstly because of the popular belief that I was crazy ( you don't even know him Beth) (just don't talk about it if it makes u cry!) etc. and secondly because my pain hit much later than normal. For over a year and a half I had been numb before it hit.
I was in a state of mind that wasn't healthy. It was affecting how I went about my day and ruining my life. As I type this I realise I sound crazy, but there u have it.
Anyway so coming up to the concert I was scared out of my mind about how it would affect me. But it turns out it was THE best thing for me. It was so amazing. Not only was I with like minded people, but the show was spectacular. During the performance, the impersonator played a tribute film for Michael along with wonderful words about how much of an amazing humanitarian he was. I was so humbled but proud at that moment. the event was the closure I had needed for sooo long. I can only compare it to a loving memorial service. It helped me accept. This is a small price of text I wrote later that night.
"I loved him with all my heart, with every part of my soul. So much, that when he died, I wanted to. But even so, that didn’t matter. I wasn’t allowed to feel pain. I wasn’t normal when I cried. Jokes made to stain his name were thrown at me. I didn’t have closure. Made to close my mouth and my heart. Because I was simply made out to be abnormal. Expected to just forget, but force fed memories every day. For three years. Abnormal circumstance calls for abnormal reaction. My reaction was never normal, but neither was the circumstance. And neither was he. Then.. I finally found a moment of peace. I wasn’t the only one in that room crying. I wasn’t the only one in that room hurting. I was part of the majority I needed. Part of the pain and joy in that room. And for the very first time in three years, It was OK. My reaction in that room was finally normal. Just like everyone else. For a few hours at least. I had a small glimpse at closure, A moment of love. A room full of understanding. I had a few hours of the comforts that should have been the normal for that three years. But never was. Something I’ve needed for so long. "
From that night ( and it's been a few weeks now) I have been a new person. The next morning I woke up fresh, listened to " keep the faith" made future career plans, decisions, and personal goals. I was and am still grieving. And my heart still feels like its full of lead, but I realise now he wouldn't want that. I have so much do do and so many people to love and to help!
Every morning I play keep the faith. It helps me Focus. I owe so much to that kenny wizz show, something lit up in my heart that night. I love Michael with every part of who I am, and that you all for the support. You have made things inexpressibly better for me.
God bless I love you all Xxx
ALL FOR L.O.V.E
Xxx
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Post by MaryAnn Layton on Oct 7, 2012 9:55:03 GMT -5
I'm so happy for you, Beth! How wonderful that your horrible grief has transitioned into a very different, much healthier state! Yes, you are here to continue on, to share your love and help others, just as Michael wants you to do.
Michael's spirit doesn't want any of us to grieve like this, but we can't help it because we're only human. Michael reached out and "touched" you, so consider yourself very special as you are one of the chosen.
Stay strong and positive, and go on with your life. But if you ever get down and fall into grief again, and I know you will, picture Michael smiling down on you and I promise you'll feel better! His spirit is with you and he will never leave you... believe it! Sending you Major MJ L.O.V.E.
Namaste,
Mal
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